head first into imposter syndrome country

at times i wish it was legacy code that surrounds me currently, at times i wish i had those easy arguments about architecture, decisions and what the hell people thought when they made them. it was and is an easy way out, i guess. i mean it was the first positive argument surrounding ai: that it’s easier to edit than to write. i learned in my university days: write drunk, edit sober.

but right now there’s no easy way out: this is my work, if anything doesn’t work i’ve got noone to blame but me. that’s scary. i never minded taking responsibility for my decisions or my code. but right now we’re trying to establish a service that’s potentially (and hopefully) useful for a lot of people, and to think that this is just me is scary.

and i’m scared. even though i did this for the last 15 years, even though i wrote software that was distributed in physical form on cds on magazines read by a mere thousands of readers. even though i worked on payment processing microserivces for an energy company. this thing, even though it feels like just a little gathering of CRUD interfaces for different entities in different domains, this is the scariest part.

i think it’s the fear of being wrong, of being the imposter all along. the fear of thinking: 15 years and when it was my turn to shine, i delivered nothing useful. all the arguments, the discussions, the nitpicking of other peoples’ work, having good comments for non-optimal code. having strong opinions regarding… everything. seriously f*cking everything. and there’s a non-zero possibility of it all being nothing but well-structured imposterism.

that’s scary. i’m scared. let’s see if this changes.